I don’t really believe in confining our ever expansive nature into something small and rigid like a label or diagnosis, such as Autism, but for the sake of writing this blog, I’ll be using it…
This article is hard for me to write, because up until now, I have largely been denying who I am, in an attempt to fit in with the norm. I have hidden away from who I am because of a fear of appearing “different” or “strange”.
Growing up, I always found people to be really odd. I never really understood the way people interacted with one another. I spent most of my time growing up, alone, in silence. Some of my first words were “I by self” as I refused to let anyone help me with anything- I was determined to do everything alone.
I always wanted to be alone because I could feel what was going on in other peoples minds and bodies and it overwhelmed me. I’m sensitive as f*** and I feel absolutely everything. I can feel the beating of the Earth’s heart, the Schumann frequency, within my own heart. The thoughts of animals and of other people. And I never found this to be a problem when I was younger. I used to love it. Until I realised that in order to get by in life, I had to give it up and try and fit in.
I remember trying to buy friendships in grade three. I used to bring my wish stones to school, wrapped in newspaper and I would give them to the girls at school and ask them to be my friend. In grade four, a boy in our class, Leo, passed away from a heart defect. I laughed hysterically and got kicked out of class. Then I got moved schools that year and I decided to try a different avenue… to be the class clown. I used to run around, flashing my underwear to everyone as a way of trying to make friends. That would do it, wouldn’t it? Everyone loves laughing, don’t they? I really had no idea how to interact with other people. This has been the case, my whole life and to some degree, it still remains this way. I hide it well, but underneath, I really struggle.
I have taught myself how to fit into society and I do a pretty good job at it but to be honest, I still don’t really get it. Compressing myself and my expression to fit into the “should” and “shouldn’t” structures that have been built is painful. Every day, after work, after pushing down my desire to sing, to dance and to laugh uncontrollably, I come home feeling flat and lifeless. And I guess, we all do to a certain degree. I look around and watch others and I see the same thing. People are tired. Flat. Stressed.
People don’t look at each other in the eyes. They hold their belly to protect their power centre because they are not doing what they love. Shoulders tense, from stress. Not breathing properly. Destroying our spirit and our birthright to experience the joys of life, because of this fucked up societal paradigm that has been created.
I have never understood the culture we have created because to me, joy is in breathing the fresh air from nature. It’s in standing and walking with my bare feet, connecting with the earth. Singing. Laughing until my belly hurts. Dancing. Being an idiot.
And whilst I don’t have a formal diagnosis of Autism yet (I am currently going through the diagnostic procedures), I have tested positive to being on the spectrum. And whilst I don’t care for the label, I’m doing it so that I can work with children that are also diagnosed because I know how difficult it is, to try and fit into a world where the innocence of love, has been forgotten.
If you don’t speak, there is something wrong with you. You’re disconnected from others.
But what if I was to put this to you: what if those that don’t speak are more connected? What if the reason they don’t speak is because they are connected, in other ways? The spoken word has always bewildered me, because the way that I am familiar with connected with everything, is through the heart. I understand the language of subtle energy. I communicate with everything, through the electromagnetics of the body.
Because when you understand the world of the unseen and unspoken in this way, words become redundant.
Autistic children are sensitive to energy frequencies that go beyond the physical. And if you are only connected to the sensations that the physical world brings, its hard to understand how difficult it can be, to know these two worlds all at once. To try and integrate into the physical world, whilst being bombarded by stimuli from higher dimensional planes and realities, is really hard. To attempt to remain present when you have information constantly streaming through your mind, can be overwhelming. To try and hold a conversation, when you can hear every conversation, along with every persons thought forms, in a room, is enough to send you into panic and anxiety.
My sensitivity led me to addiction, at a young age. Addiction to food… to alcohol. I attempted to suppress and dull my senses, for years. But eventually, that led to mental and physical illness, which I suffered with for around 8 years. And after a long journey, I am now back to feeling, again.
I used to constantly beat myself up, because I wanted to be like everyone else. But over time, I have come to understand why I have been brought down to this funny plane of existence, called Earth. It has only been in the past year that I have really started to accept myself and who I am; that I have started to ask myself: what is it I am here to do? Because when you stop rejecting parts of yourself and instead, you embrace them, you realise that your uniqueness, is your gift. It is your offering to the world.
I have come to learn not to hide away from my capacity to feel but instead to acknowledge it as a gift, because it is what helps me to feel compassion. I know, now, that my struggle with being in social situations and my lack of desire to do many of the things other people want to do, like going out to parties or , doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with me… it’s just that I would prefer to be outside, in nature, feeling the ecstasy of being alive.
In fact, I believe we were all designed to feel good and to be in tune with nature. But when you’re intimately connected with the subtle vibrations of life, you cant stand the feeling of not being connected to them. When you know what it feels like to feel alive with life, you feel like you are withering away when you become disconnected from it.
I believe Autistic people, or those more attuned to energy, are able to see beyond all illusions and judgements. There is less capacity to put up with stories and bullsh**. There is an intolerance of anything that is not serving the highest good; that is not for love. This is why, it’s hard to fit in; to be social. Because when all you care for is the simplicities of life, such as love and laughter, then anything else becomes unbearable.
I have always loved observing everything. When I look at things, they talk to me. Why? Because everything is connected via an invisible web of energy. Mahatma Gandhi once said, “speak only if it improves on the silence”. Silence contains the language of joy and if you are attuned to this, you can feel the beauty of life, merely through breathing. Just like you wouldn’t ruin a good song by talking over the top of it, the language of the heart is the same. It is a feeling of ecstasy. And the heart is magnetic- it has a knowing. And when you are connected with this knowing, life speaks to you.
I believe that Autism is having a connection to the subtler energies in life. The ability to connect to and feel everything.
And from what I have observed, I can see that the children that are coming onto the planet, at this time, are divinely connected to the language of the heart and are here to teach us the way, back to love. Now, more than ever, it’s time to let go of our old ways of living, that bind us to numbing ourselves to life, so that we can return to knowing our true nature: joy. The children of the golden age will be the ones to show us the way.
It’s time for us to drop our need to define and to instead, start connecting with our capacity to simply be and to feel. For what truly matters in life other than our capacity to love?