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Language of Love

Language of Love

10 Skills The Best Long-Term Partners Have MASTERED

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What makes a long-term relationship work and why are so many fragile? A good place to start is to look at people who have made their relationships work over a long period of time. We can’t know on that very day we tie the know that we are going to stay happy and weather the storms ahead, which is why so many couples today are terrified of commitment.

I have been happily married for almost 29 years and in reality when I was a young innocent 20 year old I could never really have predicted what I have now, but what is very interesting is some of the qualities I am about to share with you below Ian and I both saw in each other back then.

Have you ever been around people who have been happily married for most of their lives and noticed how they have a real look of admiration for each other, how they ‘share’ their smiles and they almost finish each other’s sentences? They will have been through the greatest of challenges whilst also sharing life’s happiest moments.

Almost all of us who chooses to get married or to be with a partner for the long term will want to reach old age and be so glad we made the right choice. We must ask ourselves what is it these couples have, what is it they do, what is it they feel – what makes a long-term relationship happy?

These couples have firstly made a good choice in ‘choosing’ their partner and have developed the skill of mastering a healthy long-term relationship. Couples who are who are honest and reliable, whilst being able to face huge challenges and say, ‘Let’s work this out’ are some key ingredients. Being flexible without trying to predict the future really helps and having the same core values about children, religion, money and sex and not seeing divorce, as an option is fundamental. Happy marriages aren’t always happy and that’s ok.

Romantic love can be kept alive and is very much part of long-term happy relationships; it doesn’t have to slip into a sort of companionship that many of us believe is the case.

 

  • I believe we all crave to be emotionally loved romantically and to keep this going we need to keep ‘falling in love’, reducing stress, anxiety and promoting the feel good factor – basically the more we focus on this, the more we can create the feelings.
  • Romantic love, those early stages of ‘falling in love’, is totally free from craving and obsession and not only does it create that special bond between the two of you it also raises your self- esteem and your general well being.

 

Some of the skills long-term partners have mastered –

  1. Intense arguments or long periods of silence are not problems in themselves, which many of us focus on; it is the ability to resolve these differences. This experience that creates a deeper level of understanding between couples.
  2. When we talk about being able to effectively communicate we are talking about listening to understand, not getting ready for your reply whilst the other person is talking. Take the time to give your partner your total attention when they have something to say.
  3. Treating each other with respect from day one will become part of your relationship makeup – and this means having respect for you first.
  4. Long-term partners keep their marriage alive and interesting – they indulge in each other’s passions, they continually cultivate their intimacy and they spend quality time together.
  5. Love grows; it doesn’t stand still so being flexible is key here, as your relationship will not stand still. You cannot expect to continually do the same old thing day in day out and have a happy relationship. Relationships require effort; interest and excitement to keep the spark alight.
  6. When facing challenges humour is one the elements that really helps couples through these times, along with being flexible, having respect and sticking with it; working it out. When facing a hurdle find common ground together or make a decision to leave it alone.
  7. Having daily rituals really help to keep that bond in place – couples make a point of starting each day with a hug, or holding hands when they walk or enjoying a cup of tea together at the end of the day.
  8. Having trust in every aspect of your life, whether together or apart, being able to discuss everything without fear of what the other person might think or say; this creates vulnerability, an openness that takes your feelings to a deeper level of commitment.
  9. Being friends is really a must to stay together for the long term; being able to turn to your partner for absolutely anything brings a comfort and an appreciation to the relationship. Friendships take time and need nurturing so spend time together regardless of work or the kids.
  10. At the end of the day ask yourself this question – can I live without him/her? I know Ian and I we couldn’t imagine life without each other. Above all the positivity in your marriage must outweigh the negativity for you both to create a happy lasting relationship.

After all these years I still have some wonderful illusions of Ian, some of the time keeping him on that pedestal; we are always looking to create new ideas together whilst we maintain our independence ‘doing our own thing’ – he’s passionate about cars, I love sports and personal development. I truly believe that if we want passion, commitment and fulfillment in a long-term relationship we must first discover this for ourselves in our own hobbies and interests, so we can then invest more time and energy into our partnership for it to be successful.

Bring to your partnership what you’d like to achieve from being together; don’t look to your partner to fulfill your needs, start fulfilling these yourself. We are born to love – can it last for the long-term? What do you think, I’d love to hear from you?

 

I am devoting my life to helping people all over the world with their relationships. Why? Simply because I have transformed every relationship in my entire life and now professionally qualified to help others I have the drive and passion to make it my mission in life. Ladies come and join our closed Facebook group here – ‘Let’s Talk Relationships & Life’ – https://www.facebook.com/groups/relationshipsandlife/.

And take our Relationship Quiz today to see where you are right now in your relationship – https://louisearmstrong.clickfunnels.com/relationship-quiz

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Language of Love

10 Tough Questions To Ask Yourself When Your Relationship Gets Tough

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Many of us have been at the point and you could well be here right now wondering if you should leave the relationship you are in – perhaps you are staying just waiting for things to improve but you’re not actually quite sure how? Communication and lack of affection are two main ingredients that cause issues between couples.

Or perhaps you leave and then are consumed with regret and guilt? Before you make any of these life-changing decisions it might be a good time to ask yourself some questions about you to get clear on some facts. You will then have a much better perspective on the next step. Many of my clients come to me with this exact question – ‘I’m just so unhappy, it’s not working, should I leave or should I put up with the relationship as it is?’

I’d like to share with you a few things that I feel might just resonate with you so you don’t feel so alone and desperate before we go into the questions to ask yourself.

  • We are ALL struggling in some way – even if your friends appear to be ‘on top of the world’ they could well be suffering inside, wealthy people might seem to have it all only to be desperately unhappy behind closed doors. With this in mind notice how you see others, you don’t know what mask they are wearing or what that smile hides.

 

  • Real love is worth working towards – whether that is romantic or personal, we all want to create those loving emotional connections. Love is about connection, not just that physical connection of touch and feel but that subconscious ‘knowing’ you are ‘at one’ with that person. This takes time and grows as your relationship develops. When two people love each other they have a mutual respect, and work through those challenging times together.

 

  • Attraction isn’t what you think – seriously there is NO such thing as a perfect partner so if you are looking right now, STOP. You aren’t perfect and neither is anyone else……so it’s only when two ‘imperfect people’ compliment each other does the relationship work! This took me years to work out until I let go of the ‘needing to be perfect’ as it was totally unachievable. So start with yourself and realise your own imperfections, those parts of you that you really don’t like very much, start to embrace them, learn to love them – they all make up you. It’s at this point you will know what you are looking for in someone.

 

  • However hard you try sometimes the relationship will never work – it is natural and easier for some of us to think in a negative way and some people will always put you down, regardless of what you do or what your capabilities are. These relationships are very unhealthy and you will end up feeling totally held back in your personal growth and your relationship.

 

  • Resentment will only ever hurt you – holding a grudge against someone will hurt you over and over again, no matter how small a grudge it is, it’s like ‘drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’. Make a decision and choose to let these ‘grudges’ go, choose to release them, they are only thoughts and fears they are not part of you so release them.

 

  • Forgiveness is the one thing that will bring you peace – the forgiveness is for you and no one else, choose to forgive, to find peace, to let the anger and resentment go. Choose to stay calm and let that pain go – there are lots of ways of doing this so find a way that works for you.

 

  • Time alone is key for us all – you can be yourself without any pressure or deadlines. So in any relationship, we always need space to discover more of ourselves, to stretch our boundaries and to listen to our own thoughts. Take time out to walk alone, go to the beach, go for a drive, listen to music and just cherish the moments being by yourself.

With much research and helping many couples over the years I have come up with a few questions here that will provoke you into thinking about yourself. After all, we can only change ourselves so it makes sense to place our focus here in the beginning. These questions will allow you to think about what you really want from life.

  1. Am I happy most of the time?

All of us have struggles in our relationships and it is true to say that some challenges make these relationships stronger but if you are spending more time unhappy in your relationship then you should question what is happening. No one should stay ‘quietly’ unhappy – you should discuss this with your partner. Of course, there are always going to be the ‘down times’ but it’s when these take over and become a normal way of life that you have to really ‘grab the bull by the horns’ and face the fact that this isn’t working. Go and voice your words.

  1. Is this relationship bringing out the best in me?

A question few of us ask ourselves and not even quite sure how to answer but it really is imperative to ask yourself if your partner is encouraging you to be the best version of yourself or do they constantly pull you down? Are your needs being met? Are you creating dreams? Does your partner bring out the negative emotions indie of you? Find a quiet space, go inside of yourself and be honest with what you find.

  1. Am I making time for him/her?

Equally, is he/she making time for you? We are all on a roller coaster ride and life gets very busy and we can put our relationships on the back burner as work, sport, friends and socialising takeover. However hectic your life is you always need to make time for each other, ask yourself if you really are?

  1. Have we shared dreams?

If your relationship is heading in a similar direction you will have some shared goals and dreams. If you are totally off course nothing will match. Of course you can have separate dreams but if they don’t intertwine together at some level you will never meet. Every relationship needs a shared dream with a shared passion.

  1. Do I have regrets?

Here I’m not talking about past regret but the future. How will you feel if you are still here in the same situation in one year’s time where nothing has changed? Will you have wished you had done something about yourself? Will you have wished you had moved on? Living with regrets will leave you far more emotionally hurt than leaving an unfulfilled relationship. So ask yourself today if you can make these changes and if not will you be better off making a decision now and not waiting until next year?

  1. How often do I laugh?

Laughter is key in any relationship – it’s the glue that sticks us together during the hard times. Are you laughing more than arguing? Be very honest and ask yourself how many times a week do you laugh together over how many times a week do you argue? It might be a real eye-opener for you. Relationships are not supposed to be a hassle in life and drag you down; they are supposed to uplift you and make you feel good.

  1. What sacrifices am I making right now?

Are you feeling that you are being taken advantage of and ‘used’? Is the relationship feeling more like a burden than a pleasure? Are you constantly giving and receiving nothing or very little back? Healthy relationships are about ‘give and take’ – are you giving too much?

  1. Am I in love with who I want them to be?

So many of us do this. Are you simply waiting for that person to change into the sort of person you want them to be? We convince ourselves that one day they will change and actually be that person if we wait long enough or if we try harder. But unless that person themselves really wants to make any changes – nothing will change. Be honest and tell them the truth…..yes sometimes the truth really hurts but at least you are being honest for both of your sakes.

  1. Do they add meaning to my life?

What is life like without them? Are you happier by yourself? Does your partner make your life more colourful, richer and leave you with a feeling of fulfillment or are you left depleted and zapped of energy?

  1. Would I be better off alone?

The hardest question of all…….and one that may not seem at all clear but one that really needs answering. Now you have faced some realities with the above questions perhaps the time has come to really make a decision by yourself or to seek out a trusted friend or a coach or councilor to guide you through the process of making one of the most important decisions of your life. What changes will you make within your relationship? What are you waiting for?

Every relationship requires hard work and patience and it all starts with you. We all have tough times, we all have times of despair, it’s a normal part of life – it’s during these times we need to really look after ourselves as self-care is paramount.

We need to take time out, pamper ourselves, nurture ourselves and ultimately make sure that we are doing the best we can to work on bettering ourselves and bettering our relationships every day. I hope the above questions have stirred something inside of you – take action now to seek help so you become very clear on that next step with your relationship – probably one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life.

Take the relationship ‘Loving Spark Quiz’ now and dive a little further to see where you really are in your relationship right now.

Ladies, come & join us in our wonderful caring, nonjudgmental FB group – ‘Let’s Talk Relationships & Life’ – https://www.facebook.com/groups/relationshipsandlife/. Can’t wait to meet you

 

 

 

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Language of Love

What To Do When Your Marriage Feels Hopeless

what to do when your marriage feels hopeless

I hear this comment almost every week, ‘It’s hopeless, my entire marriage is a mess, it’s utterly pointless’. Perhaps you are feeling this right now as you live day in day out in what is slowly becoming a loveless marriage.

Take a step back, let’s look at the aerial picture, it’s not the entire marriage that is hopeless, it isn’t every moment that isn’t working, it’s a part that perhaps you just can’t see a way out of.  The key here is to be able to refocus yourself on your feelings, what IS working for you, what IS working for you both and then see what changes can be made.  At the moment all you see is a pool of negativity with seemingly no way out, with perhaps the following words are coming to mind –

  • My relationship will never get better
  • Nothing works anyway, why should I even bother to try
  • I will never have what I really want
  • I’ll never be happy
  • The whole world is against me

And perhaps this sheer hopelessness has started to impact on other areas of your life so you don’t bother with your friends, you don’t care about your diet or your body and then you just feel worse as you spiral downwards. Are you resonating so far?

Having been married for 28 years we’ve had periods of ‘hopelessness’ so I know what this feels like, where you think, with all this going on right now how can we ever be happy again. Well, the truth is you can and Ian and I have never been happier than we are right now. The beauty of the work that you can start doing today is it only takes YOU to change your behaviour! In this post today I want to give you hope, that you can do this, so trust me so far.

First of all, before we look at the marriage itself we need to take a look at you and get that self-confidence, self-worth and strength back inside of you.

Remind yourself the marriage is not over, it’s a rollercoaster, as I’ve said many times, and we’re just at the bottom of a wave right now – you can be on top of that surf again.

  • Focus on all the positive things about yourself, when a negative thought comes to mind say cancel/cancel.
  • Learn to stay in the now practising gratitude, meditation or simply pinching yourself to stay present.
  • Put yourself first, this is a self-less act, do things that make you feel good, reminding yourself that ‘You are enough’.
  • Do things without expectation, just because you can.
  • Stop trying to change your partner, he sees life very differently to you, he is wearing different spectacles.

Now you’re feeling a little better about yourself that self-confidence growing and you feel a little more worth it’s time to start looking at the relationship.

Accept him for who he is – you don’t have to like and support everything about him but accepting him exactly as he stands right now gives you the freedom of mind to react to him the way you feel is right for you.

  1. Listen to understand – when your husband speaks to you try and put yourself in his shoes, not coming out with an answer you have been forming whilst he’s speaking.
  2. Agree with him – it is his opinion, to take the sting out of an argument agree with his opinion, it doesn’t mean it’s your opinion (you are not a doormat either), it means you are understanding him. If he asks for your opinion, give it, otherwise, don’t.
  3. Work out what five things will make your partners’ life better; if you’re struggling with this, simply ask him and make a point of writing them down and achieving at least one a week.
  4. Start hugging and kissing again, show compassion towards him, show him you care. Surprise him because you can, not because you want a reaction from him. You take charge.
  5. Feeling better about yourself you can now start to put the marriage first, in front of the children, taking time out for you both, making your time alone important, doing perhaps a hobby together, working out a joint goal, meals out, the cinema, whatever it is, make the two of you a priority.
  6. You take the lead in all of this, don’t wait for him, you show him by your behaviour and do it because you can and want to, not because you want something back from him. It may take time but that’s fine, you didn’t get into this overnight did you?
  7. Learn how to share your inner thoughts without being scared, always stick up for him in social situations, do not threaten him when arguing that you will just leave and lastly you be the one to take the lead in love – you show him.

Long-term relationships are a roller coaster, they can be difficult, they do have their hard times but it’s from these we gain that strength to face the challenges that life throws at us. Don’t throw away your relationship because you don’t know what to do and feel in total despair, there is always hope, do something different this time; it will be worth it. Don’t be alone either, reach out and ask for help, it will be the most courageous thing you have done to date.

As always I love to hear from you.  Ladies come & join us in our wonderful caring, non-judgmental FB group – ‘Let’s Talk Relationships & Life’ – https://www.facebook.com/groups/relationshipsandlife/. Can’t wait to meet you!

Take the Relationship Quiz & find out where you are in your marriage – https://louisearmstrong.clickfunnels.com/relationship-quiz

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Language of Love

The Number One Ingredient In Every Happy Relationship

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Laughter is the glue keeping all happy relationships together.

Our kids often turn to us and say, ‘What’s the secret to a happy marriage?’ There is no secret and there isn’t just one thing that keeps us happily married but without a doubt laughter is the glue that keeps us together.

Long-term relationships are a roller coaster ride for sure but ALL of them having one thing in common – a great shared sense of humor. Having been very happily married for 28 years, running a coaching, counseling and hypnotherapy business I understand relationships and what makes people connect personally and romantically at a deep level.

There are many components to being happily married and I can honestly say when you combine work, commitment and time together all bound up with laughter marriage really does get better and better each year. My clients are often horrified when I say to them early on in our sessions – ‘You might never have the relationship you want with your partner’, but they are often thinking of the worst possible scenario. The reality is the relationship might not become what you thought you originally wanted but something so much more fulfilling and loving.

People spend their lives trying to change their partners, rarely looking inside of themselves, rarely accepting they are the ones who need to change, rarely taking responsibility for their feelings. It’s when people take responsibility for themselves, stop the blaming, start accepting their partner for who they are, start communicating better, taking the time to be with one another, appreciating each other’s views and having a laugh together every day that life really takes off on another level.

I’d love to share with you some tips that have really helped my own marriage and that of my clients grow and deepen over the years –

1. Laughter has to be number one – every day we really do have a laugh about something, often something quite trivial but we always have that connection, even if it’s just something small perhaps something Bella, our puppy did. Often when discussing serious matters such as money or work we will always end up making a joke of some sort at the end. Even when we feel upset because we know how to lighten the situation we can ‘get back up again’. Having a daily laugh stops us taking life too seriously and keeps our vibration high so we have positive mindsets.

2. Focus on your partner’s positive qualities – in my own marriage and in all my year’s of counseling I find that couples all complain about similar things, but it’s the ‘happy’ couples who choose to focus on the positive qualities in their partner. Then express your appreciation to your partner…..tell them – this will cement the good things you see in your partner, overriding the negative, annoying things.

3. We all fight and argue – it’s part of a relationship but it’s HOW you disagree that counts. Keep your arguments to the point being respectful and kind, it’s not about ‘winning’ the argument, being sarcastic or putting the other person down so you feel better. Don’t drag everything else into it and you’ll find they are far more easily resolved.

4. Understand your partner – even if you don’t agree with them put yourself in their shoes, try and see their point of view and agree that you understand their opinion; show empathy. Then only if you are asked to, express your opinion. This can ‘kill’ a lot of arguments on the spot as you immediately take the heat out of the situation by agreeing with their understanding.

5. Compliment your partner – this is something that has come naturally to me but so many people struggle with. I noticed early on in our relationship I very rarely said anything against Ian when in company, whereas my girlfriends would spend the evening ‘complaining’ about their partners. Try and change your language and compliment your partner in front of others….’He’s a great cook’, or ‘He’s been a big help this weekend’, you’ll be surprised at the effect it has on how you see your partner. You are validating the person you have chosen to be with.

6. Take time together every day – someone said to me recently, ‘Is it the fact that you and Ian walk the dog every day that keeps you happily married?’ Well, it’s not the whole thing but yes it’s a component. We make time together EVERY DAY and because of this, we have learnt more and more to enjoy just being together. Being married to a pilot means we have a lot of time apart but we always make the effort to text or Skype, keeping that connection.

7. Forgive each other and move on – don’t hold a grudge, it is a waste of time and very destructive towards your relationship. By taking responsibility for your own actions you will learn to forgive one another and not place a wedge in-between you both. Sulking and harboring negative thoughts will be a thing of the past as you move on.

8. Lastly, have a joint goal – it’s always a good idea to be working towards a joint venture whether it’s a housing project, a holiday, a hobby, a fitness routine, a relationship goal, a project or trying out new recipes – do it together! This will give you focus, working towards a shared vision.

Healthy, happy relationships aren’t without arguments, disagreements or flaws; but they do have commitment, respect, love and laughter. Bringing laughter into your relationship every day could make all the difference!

If you’re struggling with this come and join our closed FB group especially created for women to move forwards in a caring, non-judgmental environment, ‘Let’s Talk Relationship & Life’ – https://www.facebook.com/groups/relationshipsandlife/.

Take the relationship quiz here and see where your relationship is right now – http://www.louise-armstrong.com/relationship-quiz/

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Language of Love

Inspired Life – Opening Your Heart

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When we fall in love and feel safe in that love, our heart expands and so does our love for all of life.

I’m sure you’ve felt it: even the birds singing in the trees, sunsets and random people’s children feel more beautiful and spark a deep appreciation and gratitude for life within you when you’re in love.

You feel it all, and you feel alive.

What you may not realise is, that is a choice.

It’s a choice we make to open our heart that gives us that feeling – and we can make that choice with or without a romantic love.

On a daily basis we experience various external conditions in our life that we respond to with orders to expand, contract, expand, contract, contract, contract.

But there is a way to take back that choice from the external world and decide within ourselves to feel safe, open and connected to our hearts and the joyous flow of life more and more often.

I spoke to Kiara O’Leary of An Inspired Life this week about the issues that all of us face in our daily lives, how to connect with one another and how to open our hearts even when its hard.

I speak of how I had a very shut down heart in an abusive relationship and felt completely numb about my entire life, until I slowly piece-by-piece continued to make the choice to open and allow love in. I believe opening the heart is everything in terms of living a life you love.

Kiara and I share how both of us had no idea what to do when we were first told to ‘connect to our hearts’ and actual practical tools to find your way to open and keep it open even in triggering situations.

Inspired takeaways include:

  • A short guided process to connect to a safe, blissful, appreciative open-hearted state
  • The importance of also connecting to the womb for deep creative power and a grounded knowing of worthiness (or energetic womb for men/women without physical wombs)
  • Why self-love truly is the key to opening our hearts, loving others and loving life
  • How to open your heart during any experience by remembering all is divinely guiding us to our greatest self
  • Practical ways to connect to your heart & let more magic in
  • How to keep your heart open when you feel triggered by feelings of unworthiness, being unsafe, undervalued etc.
  • The cycles we go through when we are triggered by negative emotions and how to communicate before, during & after them for more intimate, loving relationships
  • How to support your partner when they choose to contract their heart
  • The two things it takes to become a King or Queen in our own lives (and attract a partner at the same level)
  • The importance of integrating the feminine and masculine energies within us

It’s a jam-packed episode and one that truly will raise your vibration, open your heart and have you feeling more love for your life after listening to it!

You will hear me mention a Heart Opening Meditation.

I also mention a Sacred Women’s Circle called The Inner Circle – come over and join us for a special free event from 20th May to 9th June.

 

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Language of Love

the Heart of Hearts

the Heart of Hearts

Channeling on the Heart of Hearts

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath.

“I…… (Say your name.)

Call forth those humans and Enlightened Beings to work with and through me in this moment – with grace and with peace and with love and with High Intention and with deep integrity in loving service to All That Is.

I ask to be a blessing and to be blessed to give and to receive love, to give and receive Truth, to give and receive peace, to give and receive Wisdom, to give and receive compassion, to give and receive forgiveness, to give and receive freedom, to give and receive happiness and joy.

Take a deep breath.

You are on a journey Home. Home is where the Heart Is.

As you open your beautiful Heart – full and wide like a fountain of Light, like a Violet Flame, like a beautiful rose energy all around you – the sense of the Spirit and the sense of your Higher Self and Soul and all of the angels and all of the Beings of Light surround you. They are holding hands – Circles of Love – sending you Our Love and Our Peace and Our Joy and Happiness.

We, and They, are offering it to you and bringing it through you, Dear Ones – lifting you higher and helping you to re-member and to Know.

Take a deep breath.

You are so much more than you have imagined possible. The World is so much more than it has ever dreamed.

These are the days when the dreams begin to become true in new and wondrous ways – where the impossible becomes the inevitable and where things that seemed too good to be true become the ‘baseline’ to reach even higher.

You are the fulcrum. You are the doorway. You are the window. You are the hands, the eyes and the voice of the Song of Love of the Goddess – of God/Goddess, All That IS – of Light and of Love as You and your World.

Take a deep breath.

The ladder stretches into Infinity. The loneliness of the journey is ending. The understanding – The Calling – The Invitation – The Knowing and where belief becomes Knowing … that is where you stand.

What you are reaching for is Now there. Those invisible hands and that open heart and those relationships, resources and reflections of your deserving and of your worth and truth and of your freedom. Available Now.

Take a deep breath.

You can say with Us and We say with You…

“I open to receive the grace, the peace and the love that is Spirit’s blessing upon the lightwork-er’s, the wayshow-er’s, the healers and the teachers of this time”.

Take a deep breath.

“From my Heart of Hearts to the four corners of this World – to every human heart, mind, soul and spirit – a line of Light, a path of Light, a Song of Love – a Call of Freedom…

I Am here For You,
Humanity.
I Am here With You,
Mother Earth.
I Am here As You,
High Self ~ Holy Spirit.
The Divine As One.”

Take a deep breath.

We give thanks For you and we give thanks With you for moments such as this.

We Love you so. We Love you forever and without end. We love you. We ARE you. We Are One.

We will meet again. Peace and blessings. Namaste.

~ Transcribed and edited by Brenda Garcia.

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Language of Love

How I Changed My Marriage Without One Conversation With My Husband

man and woman

Having been happily married for 28 years how does it get better from not even consciously trying? This bit of my healing journey has blown my mind. For most of my life, I suffered from a destructive, toxic relationship with my mother, which in turn affected the relationship with my eldest daughter. The words from my mother’s lips, ‘I don’t love you and I will never change’ became the catalyst for me to seriously change my life.

And that’s what I did; I took the bull by the horns, accepted I didn’t need my mother’s, love, praise, hugs or validation, I was enough by myself. Through this acceptance, this self-love, this healing I shared very little of my journey with my husband, it wasn’t about him and he wouldn’t understand anyway. There are many things he can’t grasp, PMT for example – how can a man know what it’s like to feel out of control at ‘that time of the month’.

As I began to love myself and form a new loving relationship with my mother, unbeknown to me my relationship with my husband was deepening and going to a new level. A level where we have such a knowing about each other life in many ways has become so much simpler.

The confirmation to me is here in the action. For years my husband has had argument after argument with my mother to defend me in many ways and as a consequence to this, he’s had little to do with her. Since developing a newfound loving relationship with Mum for the past two years I have been away with Mum and Dad on a little holiday and we are going again this summer. Totally out of the blue Ian asked if he could join us this year. This is a real miracle as it speaks volumes, especially as his holiday entitlement is limited – he seriously wants to spend it with us?

I’m still on my journey and it just gets better and better as I continue to love and nurture myself I have so much more to give. I have a love tank, I know how to fill my tank up with self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, peace and happiness so I can give this to Ian, not come from that place of lack and need.

If you’re struggling with your relationship take a look here at a few of the tips that might just help you today with your partner/husband –

  • How you imagine your husband in your mind will be the best he will ever be – think about this and let it sink in. Have a picture in your mind of how you WANT your husband/partner to be – make it very clear and you will find yourself ‘seeing’ the positive side in things and not homing in on his negatives.
  • It’s all about you and not him – when a thought comes to mind ‘I’ll be happy when he……’ what you’re really saying is, ‘I won’t be happy until he does…’. You are placing your happiness outside of you and outside of your control. This is so destructive to your relationship – trying to change someone you can’t. Here’s the answer – ‘choose to change how you react to him.’ Start changing your life if you’re not happy, not insisting he becomes someone else. You will be so much happier.
  • Are you just drifting? Have you stopped doing things together? Just as you drift together you will start to drift apart as time goes on. Start doing things together, household chores, hobbies, sports, coffee, walks, plan future goals and try something new. I find so many couples stop doing things together as soon as they get married but this is vital to keep this closeness.
  • Your partner comes before the kids – he will be around a lot longer than they will. Now you have children it means your relationship is even more important as your little ones are counting on you as well. Children grow best in a stable environment and that comes with having a solid relationship so make it key that you don’t lose sight of his needs amongst the children’s pleas. This message was a lifesaver for me.
  • Think your way to a better marriage. When your husband/partner annoys you don’t start spiralling down into the usual negative pattern of thinking ‘he’s hopeless’, bring to mind something positive about him, one specific thing.  You are forming a new habit, a new way of thinking – positive brainwashing!

No-one is perfect or ever will be, so don’t look for perfection. Think of the positives in your partner, build a great picture of him in your mind; refocus on yourself building you up, fulfilling your needs, and forget changing anyone but yourself and miracles will start to happen. That, I can promise you.

Come and join our thriving FB group full of supportive, wonderful ladies – ‘Let’s Talk Relationships & Life’

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Language of Love

Tidal Waves

 

Tidal Waves of Grief seemingly come out of nowhere

I have to admit sometimes I am given a hard time for having my phone in my hand at gatherings and events. People say put your phone down! and yes I can be guilty of scrolling, but I will also say I have a desire to capture special moments.

Today a Facebook on this day memory popped up and Holy Tidal Wave!!! 

The memory was my daughter Shayna’s 4th Birthday celebration at the beach, I captured so many precious moments this day of my babies Nico and Shayna.

I am so thankful to have these memories in tangible form, I could never have imagined that just 36 days after these photo’s were taken my Nico would make his journey back to light and back home to God.

Looking back on a soul level I feel we both somehow knew our time here in the physical together was coming to completion, when I think back I can replay the moments we shared where our souls knew and honored our connection and assurance that although our relationship would soon change, it would never end.

We would keep our soul connection for all eternity and that our work that we had both come forth to do here in the physical would continue, and that Nico would just be guiding me from the spiritual realm as if he was just in the other room, but still focused on me, loving me, guiding me, protecting me, I just wouldn’t be able to see him in human comprehension.  

I look at the photos from this day of celebration and I have no doubt my little man was preparing me for the day he would depart. He felt I was in good hands and would now be okay and strong enough to continue my souls purpose. This kid had been through it all with me. 

He came in to my life at such a turbulent time when quite frankly I was living fast and loose and making reckless decisions.

I have no doubt he choose to come forth to be my son, to take this physical journey with me to awaken me to my souls work, to help me remember who I truly am and what I am really made of, and the power I hold to LOVE. 

Today these photos popped up on my Facebook memories and hit me like a tidal wave crashing right in to me, the more I replayed this day in my heart and mind the bigger the tidal wave grew and came over me so hard it just knocked me right down.

Tears were flowing my heart was breaking all over again as if it just happened,  the moment I felt and heard his last heartbeat was happening right now, the gut wrenching pain, it’s so hard to even explain in words, there are no words, so I won’t even try. 

The one thing I do know and I can try to explain is that there is great LOVE here for us and where we go back to once we complete this physical journey, Love helps us heal, love carries us, love helps us to continue each and every moment missing our loved one, in my case my child, my sweet precious Nico, my person, my baby boy. 

His love for me to come forth and take this wild ride with me blows my mind daily, I feel so honored he choose me. 

The waves come out of nowhere and knock you down, I won’t lie and say this becomes easier, for me it hasn’t.

The pain is always present, I have to choose each day to love anyway, to love and heal myself so I can go out and love and help others heal themselves. I believe this to be my souls work and that in my worst pain of my life, I can turn my experiences with my son in to my greatest gift and help support others in their time of need. I have no doubt this is all part of my expansion, and why I came forth as well. 

 

I have endless appreciation for this amazing being that came here to teach me, to trigger me, and most of all love and awaken in me my souls purpose to BE the LOVE.

 

I am so thankful such a galactic being choose me, and continues to guide me always, when my heart is open to hear see and receive his love and guidance.

 

I hope that by sharing my own pain, my own journey back to my light, I can help be the light that leads you back to your own light and pure LOVE 

 

With love and light 

Jennifer xo 

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Language of Love

A call out to all Women

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A call out to all Women

Its time to stop the separation

Its time to stop the judgments and the criticisms

Its time to stop the wounding of each other and ourselves

Its time to tend to this big pus filled Sisterhood wound we have, as ultimately its slowly killing us

As women we are trying to be everything to everyone, trying to show we can do it all ourselves. Hiding the fact we are struggling, hiding the fact many of us feel like failures. We are getting sick and most of us don’t even see it. Adrenal issues are rapidly growing in our women and we are pushing on so hard that many don’t even see it creeping up as an epidemic.

I certainly didn’t see it until one day running a massive gala dinner for my major client I almost had a heart attack and I didn’t tell anyone! I was unable to move and in fear for my life but rather than tell anyone I sat text messaging my staff what to do to keep the event running. Why on earth did I do that? I thought I would be seen as weak and I would lose my client if I admitted I was sick, plus I thought I could do everything myself! Lets be honest here I was also scared that the women from a competing company who were in attendance at the event would see my weakness and steal my client.

We have forgotten that we used to band together as Sisters and support one another. We used to parent together, cook together, share remedies and old wives tales. We even used to spend time in the red tents together once a month as we bled together and performed healing rituals. If Sisterhood was not so deep in wounding I could have asked these women for their help and support and know that they would band together with me and not compete or steal.

We are trying to do it all alone. Often showing a strong face to the world when really we are struggling.

It starts when we are pretty young – we begin to judge ourselves and judge other women. We constantly compare ourselves to each other. “She’s prettier than me, she looks terrible in that dress, she’s a slut, I’m not as good as her, does my bum look big in this, I bet she can get any man…….and so it goes on around and around in our heads for most of our lives. I know for me it used to be all consuming to the point of ruling many of my decisions. I would spend crazy amounts of money to ensure I was always wearing the best clothes and putting on the best public face, in the hope that would show I was worthy of being successful in business and worthy of attracting a good man.

This judgement, competition and shaming is coming from a deep lack of self worth, a lack of self acceptance and being taught to put everyone else’s needs ahead of our own. We are not encouraged, nor are we taught to deeply love ourselves. So if we haven’t learnt to love ourselves – how can we love our Sisters?

We constantly compete against each other to get the best jobs, get the best man, be the best parent, put on the best party, cook the best meal and look the slimmest, most best dressed woman. Wow it’s exhausting!

Recently my biggest fear in Sisterhood was played out in a painful turn of events.

I went to a retreat and I met a lovely man there, one thing led to another and we spent a couple of beautiful intimate days together. The day after the event he stayed in a house with one of my Sisters from the event. I feel I probably don’t even need to say more as I know many of you will be feeling the contraction even at the thought. So needless to say she was all the things that I think I am not and the fact that they ended up together was a knife in the heart to the part of myself that feels I am not enough, not worthy.

I share this story because it is the perfect example of the Sisterhood wound that is playing out in the shadows everywhere! Its stopping us from fully loving ourselves, fully loving our Sisters and the piece you may not see is that its stopping us from loving our Men! (More on this one in the next post)

So if this Sisterhood wound is stopping us from having deep friendships, hurting our men, stopping us from truly loving ourselves, which is stopping us from being able to truly love others. Plus it’s making us sick and causing us to feel deeply alone and unworthy. I don’t really see many positives here do you?

What a mess we have ourselves in.

Its time now to create deep connections with our Sisters. Its time now to drop the competition, drop the judgements and come to a place of Love.

The key I have found to healing these wound is the path of Self Love.

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Language of Love

Reflections on Birth

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Today is March 20 – first day of spring, first day of the first day of my daughter’s life. I remember it so well. She was already a bit late – I’d thought I’d have a St Patrick’s day baby. But no. She didn’t come.

I remember the moment I realized I was pregnant. I was terrified and thrilled in equal proportions. My dear college friend and her husband had just been visiting us in Durango CO for a few days. We all talked about wanting to have babies. I think we all decided we wanted babies, but the timing wasn’t exactly right. Mitch really wanted on, Mary wanted to wait; I really wanted one, my husband at the time wanted to wait.

Within a couple of week, called Mary and told her I’m pregnant. She replied, “Me too.” Isn’t that crazy? It was for me. Our babies were born about a week apart.  At any rate, I remember thinking, my life is going to change and I’m so excited.

I knew she would be a girl, I knew her name would be Amie, (French for friend). I loved being pregnant! I loved the feeling of creation happening right inside of me. I loved feeling her move and dreaming about holding her in my arms. I loved like I’d never loved before as I prepared for her to arrive on the planet.

Even though she was a bit late in coming, I was still working, trying to complete a project before she arrived. I was a computer programmer for Ft. Lewis College in Durango, CO at the time. I was the only one on this project and I was so close to completing it, but there was a little snag, right at the end. I stayed late that day to work through it and was the only one in the office when my water broke.

I called my husband and we began the journey to parenthood, one that would arrive before the night ended!  What a moment! It was profound in so many ways. One moment I’m pregnant with this baby and the next I’m holding this little life in my arms. Looking at her; holding her, smelling her newborn scent. Oh my heart is so full that it is leaking out of my eyes.

If you are a parent, think back to the first moment you held your first child. Take a moment to rekindle the feelings and especially the wonder and love.

As I reflect on my daughter’s birth, I also reflect on the birth of my first granddaughter, Jaedyn. She will be 8 on March 29. I was there, I was honored to be with Amie and her husband in the birthing room. I so wanted to be part of this experience. I was living in Austin, TX and they are in the KC area. I got a call late one evening, 10:30 pm on a Saturday evening. I was getting ready for bed, preparing for the Sunday Services. It was Amie. She said, I think my water broke. I asked, did it or did it not. She said, yes.

I jumped in the car and started the 12-hour drive with my son. I got on the phone and asked a friend to cover the Services and we drove all night. From the moment, Amie told me she was pregnant, I felt this baby. I already knew her.  I wanted her to wait for me.  I made it, I was there when she arrived and I even got to cut her cord. Oh my, my heart broke wide open again. I felt a love like nothing I’d ever felt before. I was immediately catapulted from parenthood into the realm of grandparenting, and it is the very best ride I’ve even been on.

Love is love and I love; then there is the love for a baby child and then there is a love for a grandchild. Holy cow! If you are a grandparent, you know what I’m talking about. It’s like the love you have for a child all of a sudden get multiplied with the birth of their child.

This morning I’m in memory, as I honor and celebrate my daughter’s life, from the moment she was born right up to today – her 32nd birthday. What a journey we take on this planet we call earth and this thing we call life. There are ups and downs, there are twists and turns.

Birth is a beautiful thing, but it is only the starting gate. Birth is the beginning of a journey on this planet. We can recall the Births of our children and grandchildren, but also consider birth of anything new; a project, a business, a program; a book.

Creation is amazing. Creation is beyond our infinite imaginings. Creation is what will bring us home; it is what gives us hope in the darkest hours; and illuminates our wildest dreams. Creation is greater than anything we can do or think or be.

On this, the first day of Spring contemplate birth and creation; be it a child or business or project. Contemplate all the miracles that comes into play by bringing creation from an inkling of an idea into fullest form. Reflect on what has been created in your life; that which you love and that which you would like to change. Reflect on the power that you have within you – not in and of yourself, but along side of you, that is Creation wanting to birth something new in you.

May you be love, loved, and loveable. May you plant seeds of loving kindness and compassion. May you be touched by the wonder and awe of creation and birth. May you be blessed by the fruits of your creation today and always.

For my daughter and granddaughter (and other family, too) I love you to the moon and back. I’m so glad I was part of your creation and birth and life!

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